It’s Getting Dark and It’s All So Quiet

It is one of those nights where I sit here with a heavy heart willing tears not to fall. Nothing is wrong. Nothing has happened. I am just on the verge of tears. I think it might be a multitude of things, however. I am most definitely at a cross roads in my life. I was filling out college applications the other night, and found myself questioning everything. I am terribly good at that. Questioning. I mean, it is like, why do I do what I do? Why do I try so hard? For what? Experience shows me that none of it matters in the end. Nothing matters. Not how hard you’ve tried, not what you’ve accomplished. When it is over, when you die, you are reduced to a ten minute eulogy full of clichés, most don’t do you justice anyway. People cry at the time, and then you are gone, like you never existed. Now, don’t get me wrong. Your family is , of course, left in shambles. The ones you loved are at a loss. I’m not sure it is easy for people my age to grasp the finality of Death. Not so much the ones lost, but perhaps the ones left? 

I’ve Never Heard Silence Quite this Loud

I have no homework tonight, the new Taylor Swift CD, and an incredibly sweet boyfriend. All of that combined leads to this post that more than likely result in me crying, some more.

 

This isn’t fair. This isn’t supposed to happen. Not to her, and not our Senior year. Saturday, a friend of mine was in a car accident, and didn’t make it. I just saw her Friday. Just talked to her. Today was the worst day of school I have ever had. I knew it was going to be hard, but sitting next to an empty desk has never been so heartbreaking. Alex was the epitome of one-of-a-kind. She always had a “Good morning” or “Have a nice day” to offer. She was never, ever, seen without a smile on her face. A beautiful girl with the most positive outlook on life. She absolutely loved helping other people, and was meant to go far in life. But now she won’t get the chance. Our class was supposed to Graduate together. All of us. She is the first person we have ever lost. Not to say that losing anyone isn’t horrible, but this is supposed to happen to someone that no one talked to. Not the one girl our ENTIRE class knew. She aspired to accomplish so much, had such a big heart. This loss has brought my Senior class to our knees. Her Memorial Service is tomorrow at three. It just doesn’t seem real. Perhaps it won’t for a while. The two classes that I had with her, were absolutely dreadful today. Our teachers were crying. No one knows what to think. Sitting in English, it was like you could hear her laugh. She will be loved and missed for a long time to come.

 

Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t deal well with things like this. I tend to close myself off and deal with things on my own. But right now I am not. I have someone now. Someone who cares. Someone who is there for me. Someone to lean on. He doesn’t understand, I don’t think, just how much that means to me. I finally understand how being held and told that everything will be okay makes you feel better. Even though they can’t make it better, the fact that they want to means a lot. There is a word for this, I know. But I would rather not put voice to that word, yet, for fear of my superb jinxing skills.

Peace

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Rest in Peace Alex.