It’s Been A Lifetime Since I Last Confessed.

 

Do you ever have those days where you don’t even recognize yourself? You don’t know how you came to be the way you are. Lately those days are often. Not always in a bad way, but it’s like 2009 was just kind of 12 months of nothing. Nothing really worth remembering in the long run. Full of bad memories. But I’m not sure. Some days I feel like it wasn’t that bad, that I am just being a bit dramatic. And then some days I feel as if 2009 very well could have been the death of me. Poor choice of words I suppose. I changed dramatically during those 12 months of nothing. But not in obvious ways. Rather in the way I react to things and handle situations. Or how I don’t like to be alone for very long anymore. I used to treasure my time alone. Now I can’t stand to let my mind wonder. It wonders to a place filled with images of hospital rooms and lonely waiting rooms with plastic couches. Will it always feel as if it were yesterday? The hour or so in the mornings and afternoons when I am driving alone are the worst. I can’t tear my mind away from the ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’. I will break into tears at the drop of a hat. Sometimes when I am in their house alone, I feel like a stranger. It seems a different place without him, a poor imitation of a loving home. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, but I can’t talk about it with anyone else. Mainly because I don’t want to bring it up and make them feel the sadness I have felt for 5months. It’s like I’m outside looking in on myself. I can see what I’m doing wrong, and know how I could make things better, easier, but just can’t bring myself to do it. I want to scream, and cry at the same time. I want to stop feeling so guilty that moment after having fun, that moment when I remember. When I remember that life sucks, and how I was a horrible granddaughter. That moment when I question a God that would cause a person so much pain and such a feeling of loss. I guess you could say God and I aren’t on such good terms right now. That is if we ever were. I just don’t know anymore. How to feel. How to act. How to live.

Peace
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