False Hopes in a Well Lit Room

Things are super duper weird for me right now. But they aren’t. I have a problem. But I don’t. I am so used to something being wrong, things being horrible, that when they aren’t, I am at a loss. Goodness. Some things are absolutely great right now, and then some just aren’t. My  mind is as jumbled as those last five sentences. Shall I start from the beginning? With the good or the bad? Hmm.
Let’s begin with the things that are strangely great, right now. I am doing great in school right now. Heck, I will even say fantastic. NHS is also going well. It feels good to be so busy, so involved with everything. I can hardly wait until I start working at the library again. I love libraries. Am absolutely in love with them. The environment, the atmosphere. I adore the smell of books, and the stillness that surrounds them. Libraries are my happy place, and they always will be. Onto another front, I have developed a small, very small, sense of school spirit. But don’t tell anyone. Could ruin my image. ;) That being said, It is a false sense of school spirit, because I do not attend school functions for the sake of attending school functions. I attend them because of the newest addition to my crazy, hectic, uber confusing life. This kid, this kid, this kid. (This is one of those things where I have a problem, but I don’t.) I say that because, I SHOULD have a problem. In my experience, right about now is when I would experience such feelings as: being let down, being crushed, being treated like crap OR being the one doing the letting down, doing the crushing, treating someone like crap. HOWEVER, this is not happening. Thus my problem of not actually having a problem. 
Don’t fret. Not all is happy-go-lucky in the life of one Ms. Mathews. Home is hell right now. My Dad is going through some sort of mid-life crisis. My Mom is freaking out about everything. My step-Uncles are complete jerks. And, though I value the ‘friend’ relationship my Mother and I share, It would be GREATLY appreciated if she would stop telling me everything that my Dad does that pisses her off. It isn’t that I don’t care. My plate is just kind of full right now. You know? Five AP classes, Dual credit, college apps, NHS, community service, still attempting NOT to break down about things regarding what totally ruined me fourteen months ago. So sorry Mom, that your life sucks right now, but how the heck do you think I am doing? Saturday I was asked if my parents were still married, is it bad that sometimes I actually wish they weren’t?
On a slightly more chipper note, I have his ring. The moment I saw it, I cried, bawled. That is all I ever wanted. I’m crying now. The symbolism that it holds blows my mind. I just want to sit and stare at it. It means so much to me, I don’t think it is possible for anyone to fathom how much it means.
That is all I have to share tonight, for I find it terribly hard to see the computer screen through tears.
Goodnight.
Peace
d

Your Eyes Just Like a Door to the Innocent Heart I Just Had to Explore.

When stressed out or saddened by events out of my control, I find it comforting to sit down and write things that I know. And I know me pretty well.

I am seventeen years old. I really am quiet and shy. I love my family. I don’t have a lot of friends. No one really knows me. Not even my family. I get anxious in crowds. But I absolutely love concerts. I am allergic to a lot of things. My room stays a complete mess. As does my truck. When I like something I try to know everything about it. I am smart. I am also sarcastic, and can be really mean. I prefer adults to people my own age. Because they have their crap together. I procrastinate. I never do things halfway. I like to read, but don’t do it much anymore. When I finally get comfortable around you, you will know it. I tend to ramble about anything and everything. I love my handwriting, sometimes. I absolutely hate wearing my hair down. I wear a hoody to school everyday because I can. I actually never wear one outside of school. I could live without my phone. I often do. same goes with the internet. I don’t like talking on the phone. My favorite color is blue. And my iPod’s name is Ferdinand. I went almost sixteen years without a hobby. I had my first kiss when I was thirteen. I don’t dance, I have no rhythm. I, however, do love music. Though many think I am an only child, I have a brother and a sister. I don’t enjoy liking things that everyone else likes. I can be a great listener. I am stand-offish and anti-social. But I will talk if you will listen. I cannot draw at all, but I thoroughly enjoy photography. I am very stubborn and set in my ways. Good luck changing my mind about anything. I don’t enjoy surprises. I am not religious. And actually cannot really stand to be in a church. I wear a lot of dark colors. I am not very girly. I have worn glasses since the second grade, but never actually wear them. English and History are my favorite subjects. I enjoy a good chess game. I don’t like being photographed. I don’t think I actually have a best friend. My brain never shuts down. I don’t have a sweet tooth. School supplies makes me happy. I am a PC.  I wish I was about ten years older. I cannot stand the people I go to school with. I am an avid people watcher. I bite my nails. I have many nervous ticks. I am not very patient. I hate doctors and hospitals, with good reason. I have never broken a bone, but have come very close. I like to watch HGTV. I hate flowers, they die, like people. The only soda I drink is Dr. Pepper. I don’t really like a lot of people. But there is a guy currently on my mind, and he doesn’t know it.

peace

d

It's good to be nervous, right?