I Want to Visit, but I Can't.

Post from my Blogging Journal, from last Saturday.

Well guys, it happened. I finally broke down about an hour ago. I walked into the bathroom, turned the shower on, sat down on the floor and lost it. I've been waiting for it, it's taken a good two weeks for me to finally allow myself to let everything soak in, and when I look at the situation from the outside I feel horrible. My grandpa has Parkinsons (sp?), he was diagnosed when I was about 6. But lately dementia has set in and progressed quite rapidky. And about two weeks ago we had to put him in a nursing home, And I remember on that day my sister and I were driving around, and while stopped at a red light she broke into tears. I couldn't cry, I wouldn't let myself realize how bad things were. The worst part is, I can't bring myself to visit him, I just can't. I'll let you know I am crying right now. I know it makes my mom SO angry. But she doesn't understand, no one understands, the last time I saw him he was fine. That's how I remember him as of right now. And I just can't bring myself to visit him, because I don't want to remember him as a helpless old man in a wheelchair that half of the time doesn't even remember his granddaughter's name. That makes me feel horrible. The whole situation pisses me off. Everything is falling apart and I am sitting here like a selfish brat who won't even visit her grandfather. I want to tell the world to kiss it. I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs.

I wanna visit but I can't.

peace

d

And oh yeah, Rivers. =[

If It Doesn’t Matter, Then Just Turn Around

Okay so it is roughly one thirty in the morning. I have just relocated to my bedroom. I had been sitting on the couch in the dark since I got home, which was at like 10:30. Sometimes I like to sit in the dark, so it didn’t bother me, the fact that I was sitting next to a window in the dark. Until Belle started growling and I heard something outside of said window, I immediately leapt from my quite comfortable spot on the couch and ran to my room. Yes I am a big baby. =]

So you may be asking yourself, “What could Dannelle have been doing out past 9?!?” Well, for those of you wondering, my sister and I went to Mesquite for a “sister” dinner, then shopping around for our cousin Larry and his wife. Then we headed back to this part of town and decided to stop at Wally World in the wondrous town of Forney Texas. My sister broke a candle hah. Then my feet started to hurt from walking around for hours and we decided to head home. Whilst walking through the door I was bombarded with Rivers attempting to somewhat leap into my arms. He can barely reach my knees lol. He had been left in the utility room and was ready for bed. We have a routine, where I have to hold him like a baby, whilst giving him a kiss on his forehead and giving him a puppy cookie. Then it is off to bed, where he’s not to be heard from for a good 8 hours lol. That dog loves his sleep. Just like me. I slept till about 11 today, and then was forced to “practice” driving. I swear I drove up and down 429 for like 3 hours, listening to my mom saying, “Dannelle! Watch out, you’re too close to the mailboxes!” etc. etc. lol. It only makes me more panicky when she yells. I have come to realize that I am a very paranoid person. Like, just a while ago, when I walked into my room, I go in, look around, close my closet door, turn the TV on and then shut the door. No matter what room I’m in I have to first take a good look around before securely shutting the door behind me. Idk. I’m strange. My phone died at like noon, and I didn’t feel like charging it so I just now turned it back on and have 12 unread messages. Grr… So my truck is in the shop getting the gas tank re-sprayed with some odd stuff idk. So man Town East has gone to heck. “Gangsters” and “hoodlums” all about. Watched Rear Window earlier. I love that movie. Oh man, so yesterday (Friday) Coach Exline, freaking locked mine and Kelly’s stuff in his room! We had to go find that really old nice janitor man to unlock it. =_=. I have a strange obsession with school and office supplies. I like post-its and paper clips. And those clippie things that I almost always have on my WHAP book to keep all my papers. So lately I have been somewhat obsessed with taking macro pics of my eyes. I like my eyes. I like the color of my eyes. So yeah so I am really tired. Goodnight all.

Peace

d